Step in the Arena

luke-cage

Reva – What did that question spark on you?

Luke – I know… What is like to be on this side… and… from where I’m at… That idea seems like bullshit.

Reva – You innocent?

Luke – Doesn’t matter…

Reva – You are!…

Luke – I’m guilty of a lot of things people will never know about. I guess it’s karma’s way of reminding me… that she can be a bitch. 

(…)

(Reva – He’s in prison… but he’s not a prisoner.)

Reva – So why do you come here?

Luke – Because you provide hope.

(…)

Luke – (…) Sometimes… survival costs.”

Luke Cage (Netflix, 2016), Season 1, Episode 04

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Dear Future Me 6

 

 

Let’s see how much I will have learned until the next year….

 

* * *

Dear Future Me,

it was a great surprise to receive a letter today — as it always is, I guess.

It’s “interesting” to see how some things are still the same, after one year… after almost two years… after a lifetime.
I feel some of those things as if they had happened yesterday — and then saudade strikes like a bicth. But some painful memories hit me as well, and then I feel kinda happy they are already in the past.

I finally left that job and some leeches who used to drain me dry. Some times I think/ask myself if that was really the best move (with the crisis and everything)… Specially since I had to “pay” for that (yeah, in money ALSO), but it was totally worth it. Undoubtfully.
I haven’t been working since the end of May, but soon I’ll have to start looking for a new job. The end of the month is my deadline, actually.
But I’m fine with that; I had a little bit of time to clear my head.

Even though I got really close to getting in the university I thought I would, I didn’t. And it turned out to be for the best.
I got in another one — which I found out is way better.
Despite the fact I’m not the most sociable person, I can keep conversations with almost everybody (the ones that matter — to me haha — at least). But “making friends” demands a lot from me and my patience.
And my grades are pretty good so far haha! I wish they were this good in my first semester in biology. This motivates me a lot; perhaps now I’m finally on the right track.

I’m also getting involved in some projects (extra hours!!!), which are quite interesting. I’m really getting some stuff done, and this makes me feel more useful.

Yet, somehow I continue to feel misplaced. And lonely, definitely.

My sister has traveled almost three months ago, and by the time I receive this she will be already here.
Probably I won’t have the chance to visit her there, and this hurts me in so many different ways.
I don’t feel “jealous”, but I still don’t know why I never got this chance (or the support to go after it).

Life at home crushes me more and more each day; I gotta find a way to get out of here. For my own sanity’s sake.

I’m still “single”. I wish I could move on at last; maybe then I could really meet someone, but it ain’t easy for me — and I can’t figure it out yet.
But I’m on the way, maybe. Therapy helps a lot with that — even though RIGHT NOW I feel quite stuck.

“This too shall pass”, I suppose.

The amount of things I had to write this time shows me how much has happened this year, but I still have a loooooong way to go.

I just hope I can keep finding energy and strength for that within myself, ‘cause I just feel like giving up from time to time.

But I’m more resilient than that — I guess.

“Keep on swimming”, dear.

“Life is pain”

After a considerable period of silence, something clicked inside. And the “urge” to post something made me remember I had this as some sort of draft — which, most certainly, deserved to see, once more, the daylight (of internet).

I was kind of “saving it”, for a moment when it would perfectly translate my state of mind.

This moment has sort of “repeated” itself many times during the past few (not exactly “few”, but anyways…) months — the past few weeks definitely included. But I was so demotivated I avoided thinking about writing anything (which was something that actually brought me back to “life” last year). How rude of me. How “wrong of me”.

At this exact moment the physical pain is actually the worst part — yet, it hasn’t taken over me. I can still think quite clearly, and some perspectives actually look brighter, even though I’m tired.

Yes; I’m exhausted. But somehow I guess I can walk a little more. I can go a little further. As always.

I don’t know my limits yet — fortunately. Tomorrow I might finally break apart. Who knows?!

All I can do is keep walking, I suppose.

Life is pain, indeed.

However, may this serve today as an example of my resilience to it.

 

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