Countdown 9


I barely have time now. I don’t have numbers anymore.

Still, I have no short-term future perspectives.

What am I going to do?!

I knew that when she came back things would go back to how they always were. And I wasn’t wrong; but, maybe, I wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon (exactly a week, today).

They are finally working on the house.

I should be happy; my room’s being painted. The walls were disgusting. There was water dropping everytime it rained, and mold growing on the ceiling (!).

But it has been almost a week, and tonight I’ll have to sleep on the dusty couch with blankets I had to get here and there, since she carelessly threw everything on my bed and didn’t even care to get my things off.

I got home from work and had to run to the kitchen to prepare something to eat tomorrow, since I have classes up to noon, and then a meeting with a professor.

It’s around 11pm now, and I’ll have to get up a little after 5. I don’t even know what I’ll have to do to manage to find (phew!) my things tomorrow.

I haven’t been taking my medication (since there’s no medication for me for the past 2 weeks — and I have no money to buy it at a regular pharmacy), and my body aches. A lot. I’m sleep deprived, and under a lot of pressure. My brain’s not working so well anymore. I’m only writing ‘cause this is pretty much the only thing I can do now.

I’m upset. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I feel incredibly lonely. I feel like crying now.

Not only because of all of that, but also ‘cause I see how I miss those days when I could go to his place, to be on his arms and forget about the world outside — even if it was just for a couple of hours.

And just this morning, coming back home, I was thinking that maybe I could finally fall in love again!…

I’m really sad right now. My heart’s pounding on my chest and I don’t like its rhythm today.

(It’s around 11:20am now. Despite the painkiller, my back aches and I can’t focus anymore. I’m missing most of the class now. I just wanna go home — but not MY home. It seems like there’s nothing left for me there. I still have a meeting after lunch, and one at night. And I can’t miss those. I’m doing my best to suck everything up, but I’m afraid I’m falling miserably. Fuck.

I’m “glad” I still have my words.)