So, I have received this today. But, this time, I already knew it was on its way; I remembered it would come today.
It’s always interesting to see what happened one year ago, and how things have or haven’t changed.
It’s nice to see how some problems aren’t as big as they were back then — but it’s also sad to see how some things are still the same.
I’m glad I sent myself this video as well; it was something I definitely needed to watch again.
At the end of the day, it seems like I’ve kept walking, despite everything and everyone. That’s good. Maybe next year I’ll have even better things to say…
…and may hope live on.
* * *
Dear Future Me,
apparently this task gets harder each year. Time should bring me maturity, and — at least in theory — this should make things easier. Turns out it doesn’t.
I’m learning much, undoubtfully. I’m growing daily, frequently gathering more information and experiences. Yet, some things still hurt me a lot.
When I think I’m jaded and numb enough, there comes a blow that stings like a bitch. I duck and dodge, and some hits miss me; I’m not invincible, though. I still get cut.
Things changed a lot at work, to the point it became impossible to continue working where I was (after being transferred. Argh…). So I finally left.
Right now the school is still giving me a lot of headache, but hopefully these will be the last ones.
I’ve been humiliated more times than I could count, and, even though it has hurt like crazy, I can now foresee some things, and this helps me to protect myself better. But it has also made me more suspicious, which is really sad. Well, life as a whole has done me that.
Every time I stop to think about time I get a little depressed, ‘cause I know I’m getting chronologically older but I constantly feel like I’m getting nowhere.
I’m almost 25 now. Fuuuuuck… What did I do? Where have I gone?
Something that gets clearer and clearer, however, is: this is not where I belong.
Things didn’t work out with the guy I had just met a year ago. Maybe I was too intense (probably); I guess I got my hopes up too fast.
Maybe he was not into me.
Maybe he was not ready.
Maybe it just wasn’t “meant to be”.
I made a friend a few days after that. We talk frequently, and sometimes we go out. This has been a real relief.
Having him and my former boss/friend in my life is what, at times, made loads of stuff more bearable.
But I still feel really lonely and lost. Misunderstood. Misplaced. Broken.
I still miss things and people. Like him and better times.
Things have gone downhill with my parents again. And my sister is about to travel. I’ll finally be all alone — and I don’t mean this in a good way.
This last weekend I have come to the conclusion that I should really cut these ties. This was sad, but it was as if I could step back and see things clearer.
I keep on going to therapy, and this has been great to me. I still have my plans, to go back to school and find a new path in life.
I’m really worn out right now, but maybe this is the dawn of a better future (fingers crossed!).
I need to keep going, but, more importantly, I need to move on.
Hey: stay strong.
* Brazil has lost the Cup (hahahaha), Dilma won the elections (yeah, I voted for her and haven’t regret it yet — even though the crisis has really hit the country), everyone is really broke (including me =/ ), violence and religious intolerance have reached scary levels, but this whole context has been helping me to grow a lot regarding my personal beliefs.
I’ve been really demotivated to write, but it has helped a lot since the last year.