I’m a creep
I’m a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don’t belong here…
Sometimes I feel like I’m such a waste–of healthy cells, organs, space, oxygen, energy, money, attention…
So it gets harder and harder (the more I fail) to feel as if I actually deserve anything good in my life.
… then I feel like I’m such a dramaqueen. So I ask myself “is it a matter of ‘deserving’? Isn’t it, maybe, just luck or something else?”.
It’s not that I don’t cherish those good moments, ‘cause I really, really do! But, as soon as something goes wrong, my brain tells me “of course it’s a flop/it’s over! How could you think otherwise, loser?!”.
And that is precisely how I feel in so many moments: like a loser. With capital L.
I feel so lonely, crazy and lost; the more I feel it, the less I feel like involving other people into it.
… so the loneliness proceeds on feeding on itself.
I really wish someone could see through all this and give me a hand. But I know people can’t, since the armor is too thick. At the same time, I don’t see why or how taking it off.
Perhaps I should ask for help… I was learning how to do it, how to let my guard down… Big mistake… BIG MISTAKE.
I fell to my knees, once again. But now I’m too tired and torn apart. And I’m not sure I wanna risk being there ever again.
It had been a while, but, today, I hallucinated again. It’s so scary, sad and solitary in this place where I seem to fall.
If I can’t even trust myself, how can I trust anyone else?!
Maybe I just shouldn’t.